“Memoirs of a Caged King” by Megan Shaeffer

Oh the day has finally come

I jump up and get ready in a hum

today is the best day of all time

today is the day I’ve waited for and it’s just sublime

 

I waged war for many years on the unruly serfs and barbaric trash

always ahead of them one step just like the flash

and for all my efforts I am getting the best outcome I could hope for

they are making me king and I feel tickled to my very core

 

ah speak of the devil, here comes my guard

up to my protective cage he walks while handing me my royal meal of lard

today is the day I’m free of this safe haven cage and any potential head hunter

oh yes, I feel like I’m at the world series and the team’s best bunter

 

I can’t help but pace back and forth across the floor

as I wait for the guards to come and escort me from my door

finally I can see the guards coming and I can’t help but be cross

they took far too long and I’m their new king, the head boss

 

as they finally release me from my protective hole

I swear and curse at my guards that for their impudence they will pay the ultimate toll

as we walk down the path to my throne

I can’t help but to see the peasants gazing upon me with awe, as if I were a precious stone

 

the glee I feel by their slovenly looks of envy and desire

makes me feel like I’m on cloud nine, no perhaps much higher

oh and look at them they even are wearing my kingdoms colors with pride

the lovely sea of orange clad peasants makes me smile wide

 

but enough of the poor and destitute peasants for they keep me from what I seek

I need to hurry to my throne and crown for I am now one of the gods of Greek

here we are finally we have made it to the throne room

oh yes I can feel it, I feel like I’m going to be reborn again from my mother’s womb

 

everywhere around me I see my loyal subjects who have come to watch

why look there is even my sworn enemy who I once kicked in the crotch

as the guards guide me to my seat on the throne I look around the room some more

and see the captain of the guard and his lady whore

 

I turn and turn some more and what do I see to my side

guards have wrapped luxurious gauntlets and bracelets around me and have them tightly tied

they think the same thing I do, they do not want me to slip or fall from my beloved seat

for I do not want to lose my crown the pinnacle treat

 

finally I see the pope come in dressed from head to toe in religious frock

the crown is put on my head, and I can’t wait for the rite to start that I constantly eye the clock

the holy man begins to read from his queer little book

and I was so excited that I trembled and shook

 

with the last word out of his mouth he motioned to the fool to push the celebratory peg

I can’t wait, this is my crowning although I think we’ll have to celebrate with ale, at least a keg

the peg is pushed and my crown shines for all in the room to gaze upon

I hear a crackle, like the sound of electricity and feel a jolt but soon that feeling is gone

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